Abandoned

A few days ago, I hit my bottom. The day after that, the person I tried to go to for help said that she was sorry she didn't answer the night before. I didn't ask why she didn't because I'm terrified to know the answer. After talking for a bit, I asked her if she wanted me to try to talk to her the next time I crashed. She said she did. Today, I crashed again. Today, I contacted her on Facebook because she wanted me to try to talk to her about the problem. I didn't know what to talk about. She said it didn't matter. After thinking for a while, I sent the following:

"This isn't as...easy as it used to be. Talking, I mean. We don't ever really talk anymore and you seem like you've been getting better and you seem like you're happy with how you are. And to be honest, with myself and you, I've been getting worse. A lot worse. I don't know how to deal with it at all. My counselor has been trying to help me compartmentalize my problems so they're easier to deal with but I'm terrible at it and I haven't been able to do it at all. Mainly because I don't even know what the problems are anymore. And apart from the counselor, I have no one else to talk to anymore because no one really answers any texts or messages apart from you on occasion. I tried talking to Rachael a couple times but it just...it freaked her out. So we don't really talk about it and she's uncomfortable talking to me at all anymore because she knows something is really wrong with me. I don't really have anyone that I can turn to about anything anymore. I don't even have school or any books that I haven't read in my house to try to distract myself with for a little bit. I have no interest in playing guitar or video games or tv or anything else really............I just feel so alone all the time. I've pushed or scared or worried everyone away. I'm just scared and I don't know what to do anymore"

It's been three hours since I sent that. I haven't heard from her. She got off of Facebook, and won't answer through text. She's gone.

And it's all my fault.

Nothing has ever hurt this much. There is an actual, physical pain in my chest from it.

I just want the pain to go away...Even though I deserve it.

Empty

"Whatever made me the way I am left me hollow, empty inside, unable to feel. It doesn't seem like a big deal. I'm quite sure most people fake an awful lot of everyday human contact. I just fake all of it. I fake it very well, and the feelings are never there."

Darkly Dreaming Dexter
Jeff Lindsay

Everything I Can

I will do everything I can not to let my issues get to me tonight. You need someone to talk to you because some people are just little fuckers that try to hurt you. I WILL be one of the people that you can talk to about what's hurting you. I WILL be a good friend. If need be, I WILL do everything I can to see you tomorrow just to give you a hug, help you pull through this, and make you smile.

I'm tired of being the shitty friend...not just to you but to everyone else.

I'm going to be there for you from now on...even if it kills me.

Dependancy

I've become over dependent on too many people and things in my life.

Dependent on the people I used to trust openly.

Dependent on my books.

Dependent on my writing.

Dependent on drawing.

Dependent on watching movies

Dependent on Netflix

Dependent on everything but myself.

I can't keep going like this.

One Cut

Is all it takes to start an addiction...

What next. . .

I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

One hug was enough to get me to balance out for two days. But what happens when no one is left to help me through the dark days. When no one is left for hugs. Or for simply asking if I'll be okay. 

What will happen when they all move away and I'm alone. . . 

When no one cares what happens to me. . . 

I'm losing everyone that's ever meant anything to me. . . 

Self Destructive

I realize my demise is clearly tied
to the choices that are made today
Think twice and analize,
that path outside is leading you the wrong way
Leading me the wrong way

Why am I self destructive?
My concience calls me out
I am so self destructive.
My concience calls me out

Look in and begin too see the trend
This pattern of behaviour that kills
what is right in our lives
Destroying what is sacred
I need to take control,
I need to let it go

Why do I put you through this?
My mind is rendered useless

Failing

Yet again, I'm starting to fail my classes. One by one my grades are dropping because I just don't care anymore. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be here anymore. I just want to be alone. Not doing anything.

Slipping

Last night, you talked me out of suicide and convinced me to sleep instead. To call you in the morning.

Today, I don't exist.

Wondering

What if things go really well on Tuesday?

What if I come home really, truly happy?

I don't know how I'll react to it all.

But then again, going on a date with an ex's best friend could be a bit complicated in the first place.

Guess I'll just have to wait and see where all this goes. Kinda hoping for the best and beyond excited for Tuesday.

No Use Dwelling In the Past

But I can't help it.

I always end up coming back to the same conclusion everytime that I get into this kind of mood.

I always come back to the fact that my lack of friends is ENTIRELY my fault.

Closeness

Tonight is one of those nights that I wish I had someone to be close to. To just have someone sitting here next to me so I wouldn't be alone anymore.

At this point I truly would feel alone in a crowded room.

Harder. . .

It seems that every time reality sets in, it's harder to deal with than the time before.

Why?

Sometimes I wonder why you even bother.

I message you only to have you tell me to text you instead.
I text you only to be ignored

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Returning to Reality

What can I do to stay in my own world?

What happens when I run out of distractions?

What happens when I run out of books to read? 

The problem with trying to deal with my problems is that I tend to come to very strong and very . . . painful conclusions. The hardest one to deal with is that I've become a compulsive liar. I've lied over and over again and it's stopped bothering me. I don't care about the consequences of what comes out of my mouth anymore. I don't care about anything. I'm just the leftover pieces of what used to be a person.

I'm not the same person that I used to be. I used to be happy. I used to have people that I could talk to about anything. Not many. But two or three. And now, I'm on my own. No one answers my texts. No one knows what to do with me. I used to be able to talk to people about what's bothering me but I don't know what to talk about because I don't even know what's wrong anymore. I feel empty. 

Because of that feeling, I turned to books and my homework. Well, the problem with having mild insomnia is that I tend to have a lot of extra time on my hands and nothing to do with it except for think about everything and anything. . . . . Lately I've been thinking about things that scare me. Running away. Suicide. Cutting. Burning. 

I don't have anyone to talk to about all of it. And I don't know what will happen if I don't find someone to help me.

My parents don't know what to do about any of it anymore and I don't trust them enough to try to talk to them about everything that's been going through my mind. The last time I tried explaining things to them, they sent me to a shrink who only managed to make things worse. She made it bad enough that I started lying to her. Saying that I was feeling better just so I didn't have to keep going to the sessions. 

I don't know how to cope with everything so I don't even try because I know that something bad will happen or someone will come along (or come back) to try to keep me like this. . . . And you know what? They'll succeed. 

Demon Math

What is JUST in a world
you've ripped in two
as if there could be
a half for me
a half for you
what is FAIR when
there is nothing
left to share
what is YOURS when
your pain is mine to bear
this sad math is mine
this mad path is mine
subtract they say
don't cry
back to the desk
try
forget addition
multiply
and i reply
this is why
remainders
hate
division.

Isolation

You don't realize that you've put up walls to keep yourself safe until everyone is gone, no one texts you at all, and it's too late to go back to how things were.

. . . I do feel safer but I'm completely alone.

It's taking the lesser of two evils at this point and I don't know if I made the right decision.

Out of reach

I know there wasn't a chance to go back to the way things were but now, you're completely out of reach. I didn't think it would bother me like this but I'm happy to feel this way as long as I get to see you every once in a while and you are happy.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do now though. There's a hole in my thoughts where you used to live and there's nothing to fill the void.

Who do I talk to about all this?

Wrong

This was a bad idea. Next time I come up with an excuse not to come.

Coping

Coming to grips with the fact that no one will answer any of my texts, facebook messages, or phone calls anymore. I stopped telling myself that my phone stopped working and know for a fact that I'm just being ignored.

There's not really anything that I can do about it except just give it time. Hoping that things can go back to how they were but I wouldn't be surprised if I'm just left alone until I die. . .

There's no anger. There's no hurt. There's nothing.

I've started reading a lot to escape from everyday life. Whether it's my textbook, a Stephen King book, or something by Sherrilyn Kenyon. Anything to help me get away from the world for a little bit. The few hours at a time that I can just lay here with a book help keep me calm in a way that nothing else has been able to lately.

I'm scared that I'm hollowing out. That, if things don't change, I'll be left emotionally bankrupt. But again, there's not much that can be done about it apart from give it all some time to readjust.

I miss my friends. I miss the people that I used to hang out with. I miss people in general.

S.S.D.D.

Help

I'm going to start getting help for this shit. I can't take feeling like this all the time and I miss the people that got too worried and left because they didn't want to be there when I would implode.

Lost

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Silence

Next time, I stay silent

I let it just sit where it is and wait for it to fade enough that it doesn't hurt as much and I can function

No, I can't control that part of it

No, I don't really want to

If I'm here or not in the morning won't matter

No one would notice

I don't care anymore

Contemplating Suicide. . . .

It is now six in the morning on Monday and I haven't slept since Thursday night.

I can only pretend to be okay for so long. Because at the end of the night, I'm always going to be completely alone. And I'm only going to be able to take it for so long before I shatter again.

During the day, I act like I feel completely normal so my parents won't make me go back on the anti-depressants. I don't like the feeling that comes with knowing that I have to be drugged to be like everyone else. To be normal. I lie to myself and to everyone else to keep people from seeing that I'm broken. That, after everything that happened, I'm not . . . Normal. I'm emotionally bankrupt. I don't feel anything towards anyone anymore. I keep telling myself that I do but I know differently. I know that it's just a cover up. A charade to keep my mind from tearing itself apart like it did tonight.

It doesn't scare me anymore. I've just come to accept it. I've come to accept that I'm empty inside. Hollow.

I don't miss being normal because it's been years since I have been. I barely remember having a life. I barely remember feeling wanted and loved. I hear people say they  care all the time but it goes in one ear and right on out the other. It doesn't carry the same weight that it used to. Not after having people that I cared about say that they cared about me and then turn around and tear me to shreds. They would say that they care and then less than a week later they were telling me how worthless and pitiful I am. And you know what? I started to believe them and after years of trying not to let it get to me, I gave in. And now, no matter what anyone says or does, I truly feel worthless at the end of the day.

I used to go to a psychiatrist and she told me that at times everyone goes through something like this at some point in their life and that it'll go away eventually. She said that "because of the trauma you dealt with over the last three to four years, your mind locked away all the hurt that you were feeling and then, once that was gone, it stopped letting you really feel emotions to the level that most people do. Once enough time has passed you'll be able to deal with the problems and move on". She had some clinical term for it that I don't remember but it's been almost six years since all the "trauma" happened and yet, here I sit. Empty. Those emotions never came back. And I don't feel the same way that I did before all that. I know that I won't be normal again but I don't feel ANYTHING close to what I used to. I don't feel worry. Or pain. Or happiness. Or comfort. Or love. . . I don't feel any of that anymore. It may be there to some extent but it's all just one big pit of nothing in my heart.

Yeah, sometimes there's a small twinge of something but it doesn't stay for longer than a few seconds and it's barely there in the first place.

I've withdrawn into myself to the point that I don't let anyone see me like this. Even when I'm doing something that I used to love doing, all that anyone ever sees is a lie.

I just want it to stop. . . . I don't want to feel this anymore. I don't want to be alive because I can't face the truth of it. I can't deal with the fact that no one really talks to me anymore. I feel completely alone. A few nights ago I told one of the closest friends that I've ever had that I was close to trying something to end everything and you know what I got for a response? Not a damned thing. Zip Zero Zilch. I didn't hear a single word from them and I haven't heard anything since that night. . . And that's why I broke tonight. The first true emotion I've felt in fucking years is a pain so profound that I can actually feel my chest ache. Because that was the first time that I've told someone that I was close to seriously hurting myself and heard nothing back. There's always been someone who would text back saying "please be safe" or "What's wrong?" or anything. Just something to let me know that SOMEONE would notice and that has almost always been enough to stop me from doing too much damage. But not now. I really am alone.

. . . And I have cuts running down my ribs on both sides. And along the insides of my legs. And all over my back. . . I stopped trying to count those ones because they started blending together.

They haven't closed because I took my sister skating a couple nights ago and I was skating for five straight hours. They got bad enough from that that every time I move, they split open again.

I'm just done with it all.

I can't take it anymore

I won't

Goodbye. . . . I'm sorry.

Mess

This isn't gonna end well.

Good first day

This experiment thing is actually working out a lot better than I thought it would. I've managed to fix things with a ton of people that I never thought I would get to be on good terms with again.

There's a lot left but I'm willing to give this all the time that I need to.

Experiments and Apologies

So . . . . a friend of mine suggested to me a while ago that in order for me to get through the stuff from a couple years ago that still really hurts me most nights that I should talk to the last few people that were involved and to start what she called a "total honesty" type thing with everyone else.

With that being said, for the next two weeks, I will willingly talk to anyone about anything that involves my thoughts, my emotions, my actions, my past, and anything else that I can answer.

All that anyone needs to do is just ask a question and I will answer as honestly as I can.

It will be beyond uncomfortable at times but I'm committing to going through with it. Anything is fair game.

And to get it out of the way. . .

I'm sorry to R.P. for all the stuff that was said back in September.

I'm sorry to A.E. for the mess that I started with you before you moved away (I know you can't hear me but I just need to say I'm sorry for all the pain I put you through. I miss you and hopefully I'll see you again soon. R.I.P.).

I'm sorry to R.J.P. for the whole situation with Alex junior year and for not just telling you at the beginning. Maybe things would've been different if I had. You still mean the world to me and I'd do anything for you. I'd do anything to hear you laugh and see your smile. It was good seeing you the other day.

I'm sorry to T.G. for worrying you for thirty one days and I'm glad we don't talk because I wouldn't be a good friend to you. I'm honestly not a good friend for anyone but some can deal with it better than others. You were terrified because of what I was talking about and I'm sorry for that . . . .

I'm sorry to G.F. for not being there for you when you were going through the troubles with your version of the same issues I was dealing with. You were there for me and I should've been there for you. But I'm here now and if you need someone to talk to about it if it comes up again, I'll be here for you.

And lastly, I'm sorry to H.L. for not being the person you need me to be. I know we have our differences but when I talk to you, I get terrified and I can't handle it. So I stopped answering your texts and I won't be answering any any time soon. I'm sorry

I Really Don't Know

I'm sorry that we don't have 'normal' conversations anymore. It's because it always comes back to the same thing.

"Are you okay?"
"I guess"
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know"

And that's were it ends. . . it feels like you think that I just don't want to talk to you about it. That I'm hiding from you. But that's not what this is. I really don't know what's wrong with me anymore and I'm sorry that it worries you when I'm like this but there's not really anything that can be done about it. It's just something that I have to get over.

I really have no idea what's been going on inside my head because I'm afraid to let myself think about it.

I'm not hiding.

I like talking to you.

I just feel lost and I don't know how to handle it anymore. I feel like I've dealt with this before but it's never really the same. It's just a sense of being alone. . .

F.G.

Cutting Ties

I'm done trying to talk to these people.

Your number is now not only blocked, but deleted from my phone. You will not hear from me again. And I will not hear from you again.

Maybe we can try again in a couple years when we BOTH have our lives figured out. Not completely but just better than where we are at the moment. I love you. You know that. But I just can't handle the arguing and the fighting. I can take a lot before I break and you've pushed me way past that breaking point. I just can't handle it anymore.

I'm so sorry. . . .

I just can't

F.G.

Maybe

Maybe for once, this will work. . . .

Alone. . .

No one will answer. . . I'm on my own. And once again, hurt by NIN is the theme for the night.

I'm curled up on the floor and I can barely breathe. I'm being crushed by the emptiness and from being alone.

Where is everyone. . . anyone

F.G.

Walls

Why is it that I can't have just one week of being happy without you trying to tear it all down? Why can't I just say I had a good time without you saying it was just a waste of everyone's time and that it would've been better to just stay home?

I'm so sick of all the bullshit you put me through and I'm done trying to stay in touch with someone who A: lives halfway across the country and B: causes me so much pain.

It's because of you that I'm closing off from almost everyone and more than likely will I back to the drinking and the hollowness because I just can't bear to deal with all the painful memories you've given me.

I have a friend that says that no matter what, she'll always worry about me because she cares. And my answer has always been that there's nothing to worry about and I wish she wouldn't worry so much.

Well, because of you, there is a good reason to worry . . . I haven't been stable since we started talking again and I just want to sleep and to never wake up again because of the things you say to me. . . I just don't want to live with it anymore.

I don't want to live knowing that you're right when you say that I always hurt everyone around me. That youre right when you say that people are better off with out me around.

. . . I can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to. . .

I haven't hurt this badly in a very long time. . . Not since the people I was closest to passed away.

I'm sorry. . .

F.G.

New hopes and fears

I am looking forward to the new seemed yet in college with optimism but also with fear. I'm scared of over focusing on school work and further alienating the people that I care most about. I've reconnected with so many o my friends over the break and I really don't want to lose them again. But, in spite of the fear of loss, there's also the hope that I won't care too much. I know, it sounds messed up but the last time I let myself care about the people in my life, I ended up caring too much and I got scared. . . I panicked. And in the end I lost everyone. Even the one that promised to always be there, panicked and left because of the things I said to her. I cared too much and I kind of really started to fall for her. But she got sick of seeing the hurt I felt because she couldn't return the feelings. So she left and, eentually, I moved on. Reconnecting with my friends has been amazing for me because I dont feel do alone all the time. I've missed being able to talk to someone about problems without the fear. But already, there's distance between me and all the others because it's hard to just forget about all that was said and done and to move forward.

But I'm hoping those gaps will fill and everyone can be safe and happy. I'm moving forward with hope.

Not sure. . .

I no longer can tell the difference between you being serious and you being sarcastic. . . When you say things like "I hate you" or " why are we friends" I don't know how to take it.

It's impossible for me to understand your reasoning when we talk about things. I miss being able to know what's going on in your life and your head.

I miss how we used to be before I messed everything up . . .

F.G.

Plasma

Donating plasma sounds like a REALLY good idea at the moment. A. because I have almost no money in my account. and B. it couldn't hurt to have a little extra, could it? Besides, I could use the money as gas money to go visit the people that matter most. Granted neither Orem or Magna are very close but hey, I've got time.

With the next semester coming up and having access to dropbox, school is a hell of a lot easier than it was.

F.G.

Better

Now that I have THAT  out of my system, I feel ready to move forward with things.

First off, I'm so happy that work has changed for me. I no longer have to deal with irritating customers most of the time and instead I just work with two or three people that I actually like.

Secondly, this new semester at the University feels very promising and I'm hopeful that it will end better than the Fall. I hated physiology with a passion. Unfortunately, I have to retake it because I got a C but I can put that off until I take the pre-requisites and get my shit together mentally.

And lastly, I'm looking forward to just sitting in the library after classes and actually focusing on schoolwork so I can keep my grades up. I came up with a study plan that should really help with my grades in the end

F.G.

P.S. having this blog to write out my thoughts and stuffs has really helped with my moods lately. The depression is starting to fade out a little bit and I'm happier with things in general. Even though it's only the second day that I've been doing this, it feels like something that I'll continue for a long time.

Migraines

I hate waking up like this. I hate the migraines and the headaches that are this bad because they always make me end up really depressed throughout the day. Even when they fade away, the mood stays and nothing I do can help it.

There used to be people I could be around and spend time with that would manage to get it to go away but now I'm on my own. Now I have no one but myself to help me figure my shit out.

Strangely fitting. . .

Found this on youtube earlier and it's amazing how well it fits the mood I've been in for most of the evening. . . It's kinda scary actually. But it will definitely be a song that will be on my iPod withing the hour.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja_oiwRthR4

Started Over

So I've come to the decision to start writing a blog to help get myself through hard times when I need it and just to let all the thoughts out of my head when I need to.

Hopefully this can be a clean start at the beginning of a new year.