A few days ago, I hit my bottom. The day after that, the person I tried to go to for help said that she was sorry she didn't answer the night before. I didn't ask why she didn't because I'm terrified to know the answer. After talking for a bit, I asked her if she wanted me to try to talk to her the next time I crashed. She said she did. Today, I crashed again. Today, I contacted her on Facebook because she wanted me to try to talk to her about the problem. I didn't know what to talk about. She said it didn't matter. After thinking for a while, I sent the following:
"This isn't as...easy as it used to be. Talking, I mean. We don't ever really talk anymore and you seem like you've been getting better and you seem like you're happy with how you are. And to be honest, with myself and you, I've been getting worse. A lot worse. I don't know how to deal with it at all. My counselor has been trying to help me compartmentalize my problems so they're easier to deal with but I'm terrible at it and I haven't been able to do it at all. Mainly because I don't even know what the problems are anymore. And apart from the counselor, I have no one else to talk to anymore because no one really answers any texts or messages apart from you on occasion. I tried talking to Rachael a couple times but it just...it freaked her out. So we don't really talk about it and she's uncomfortable talking to me at all anymore because she knows something is really wrong with me. I don't really have anyone that I can turn to about anything anymore. I don't even have school or any books that I haven't read in my house to try to distract myself with for a little bit. I have no interest in playing guitar or video games or tv or anything else really............I just feel so alone all the time. I've pushed or scared or worried everyone away. I'm just scared and I don't know what to do anymore"
It's been three hours since I sent that. I haven't heard from her. She got off of Facebook, and won't answer through text. She's gone.
And it's all my fault.
Nothing has ever hurt this much. There is an actual, physical pain in my chest from it.
I just want the pain to go away...Even though I deserve it.
