No Use Dwelling In the Past

But I can't help it.

I always end up coming back to the same conclusion everytime that I get into this kind of mood.

I always come back to the fact that my lack of friends is ENTIRELY my fault.

Closeness

Tonight is one of those nights that I wish I had someone to be close to. To just have someone sitting here next to me so I wouldn't be alone anymore.

At this point I truly would feel alone in a crowded room.

Harder. . .

It seems that every time reality sets in, it's harder to deal with than the time before.

Why?

Sometimes I wonder why you even bother.

I message you only to have you tell me to text you instead.
I text you only to be ignored

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Returning to Reality

What can I do to stay in my own world?

What happens when I run out of distractions?

What happens when I run out of books to read? 

The problem with trying to deal with my problems is that I tend to come to very strong and very . . . painful conclusions. The hardest one to deal with is that I've become a compulsive liar. I've lied over and over again and it's stopped bothering me. I don't care about the consequences of what comes out of my mouth anymore. I don't care about anything. I'm just the leftover pieces of what used to be a person.

I'm not the same person that I used to be. I used to be happy. I used to have people that I could talk to about anything. Not many. But two or three. And now, I'm on my own. No one answers my texts. No one knows what to do with me. I used to be able to talk to people about what's bothering me but I don't know what to talk about because I don't even know what's wrong anymore. I feel empty. 

Because of that feeling, I turned to books and my homework. Well, the problem with having mild insomnia is that I tend to have a lot of extra time on my hands and nothing to do with it except for think about everything and anything. . . . . Lately I've been thinking about things that scare me. Running away. Suicide. Cutting. Burning. 

I don't have anyone to talk to about all of it. And I don't know what will happen if I don't find someone to help me.

My parents don't know what to do about any of it anymore and I don't trust them enough to try to talk to them about everything that's been going through my mind. The last time I tried explaining things to them, they sent me to a shrink who only managed to make things worse. She made it bad enough that I started lying to her. Saying that I was feeling better just so I didn't have to keep going to the sessions. 

I don't know how to cope with everything so I don't even try because I know that something bad will happen or someone will come along (or come back) to try to keep me like this. . . . And you know what? They'll succeed. 

Demon Math

What is JUST in a world
you've ripped in two
as if there could be
a half for me
a half for you
what is FAIR when
there is nothing
left to share
what is YOURS when
your pain is mine to bear
this sad math is mine
this mad path is mine
subtract they say
don't cry
back to the desk
try
forget addition
multiply
and i reply
this is why
remainders
hate
division.

Isolation

You don't realize that you've put up walls to keep yourself safe until everyone is gone, no one texts you at all, and it's too late to go back to how things were.

. . . I do feel safer but I'm completely alone.

It's taking the lesser of two evils at this point and I don't know if I made the right decision.