What happens when I run out of distractions?
What happens when I run out of books to read?
The problem with trying to deal with my problems is that I tend to come to very strong and very . . . painful conclusions. The hardest one to deal with is that I've become a compulsive liar. I've lied over and over again and it's stopped bothering me. I don't care about the consequences of what comes out of my mouth anymore. I don't care about anything. I'm just the leftover pieces of what used to be a person.
I'm not the same person that I used to be. I used to be happy. I used to have people that I could talk to about anything. Not many. But two or three. And now, I'm on my own. No one answers my texts. No one knows what to do with me. I used to be able to talk to people about what's bothering me but I don't know what to talk about because I don't even know what's wrong anymore. I feel empty.
I'm not the same person that I used to be. I used to be happy. I used to have people that I could talk to about anything. Not many. But two or three. And now, I'm on my own. No one answers my texts. No one knows what to do with me. I used to be able to talk to people about what's bothering me but I don't know what to talk about because I don't even know what's wrong anymore. I feel empty.
Because of that feeling, I turned to books and my homework. Well, the problem with having mild insomnia is that I tend to have a lot of extra time on my hands and nothing to do with it except for think about everything and anything. . . . . Lately I've been thinking about things that scare me. Running away. Suicide. Cutting. Burning.
I don't have anyone to talk to about all of it. And I don't know what will happen if I don't find someone to help me.
My parents don't know what to do about any of it anymore and I don't trust them enough to try to talk to them about everything that's been going through my mind. The last time I tried explaining things to them, they sent me to a shrink who only managed to make things worse. She made it bad enough that I started lying to her. Saying that I was feeling better just so I didn't have to keep going to the sessions.
I don't know how to cope with everything so I don't even try because I know that something bad will happen or someone will come along (or come back) to try to keep me like this. . . . And you know what? They'll succeed.
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