Abandoned

A few days ago, I hit my bottom. The day after that, the person I tried to go to for help said that she was sorry she didn't answer the night before. I didn't ask why she didn't because I'm terrified to know the answer. After talking for a bit, I asked her if she wanted me to try to talk to her the next time I crashed. She said she did. Today, I crashed again. Today, I contacted her on Facebook because she wanted me to try to talk to her about the problem. I didn't know what to talk about. She said it didn't matter. After thinking for a while, I sent the following:

"This isn't as...easy as it used to be. Talking, I mean. We don't ever really talk anymore and you seem like you've been getting better and you seem like you're happy with how you are. And to be honest, with myself and you, I've been getting worse. A lot worse. I don't know how to deal with it at all. My counselor has been trying to help me compartmentalize my problems so they're easier to deal with but I'm terrible at it and I haven't been able to do it at all. Mainly because I don't even know what the problems are anymore. And apart from the counselor, I have no one else to talk to anymore because no one really answers any texts or messages apart from you on occasion. I tried talking to Rachael a couple times but it just...it freaked her out. So we don't really talk about it and she's uncomfortable talking to me at all anymore because she knows something is really wrong with me. I don't really have anyone that I can turn to about anything anymore. I don't even have school or any books that I haven't read in my house to try to distract myself with for a little bit. I have no interest in playing guitar or video games or tv or anything else really............I just feel so alone all the time. I've pushed or scared or worried everyone away. I'm just scared and I don't know what to do anymore"

It's been three hours since I sent that. I haven't heard from her. She got off of Facebook, and won't answer through text. She's gone.

And it's all my fault.

Nothing has ever hurt this much. There is an actual, physical pain in my chest from it.

I just want the pain to go away...Even though I deserve it.

Empty

"Whatever made me the way I am left me hollow, empty inside, unable to feel. It doesn't seem like a big deal. I'm quite sure most people fake an awful lot of everyday human contact. I just fake all of it. I fake it very well, and the feelings are never there."

Darkly Dreaming Dexter
Jeff Lindsay

Everything I Can

I will do everything I can not to let my issues get to me tonight. You need someone to talk to you because some people are just little fuckers that try to hurt you. I WILL be one of the people that you can talk to about what's hurting you. I WILL be a good friend. If need be, I WILL do everything I can to see you tomorrow just to give you a hug, help you pull through this, and make you smile.

I'm tired of being the shitty friend...not just to you but to everyone else.

I'm going to be there for you from now on...even if it kills me.

Dependancy

I've become over dependent on too many people and things in my life.

Dependent on the people I used to trust openly.

Dependent on my books.

Dependent on my writing.

Dependent on drawing.

Dependent on watching movies

Dependent on Netflix

Dependent on everything but myself.

I can't keep going like this.

One Cut

Is all it takes to start an addiction...

What next. . .

I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. 

One hug was enough to get me to balance out for two days. But what happens when no one is left to help me through the dark days. When no one is left for hugs. Or for simply asking if I'll be okay. 

What will happen when they all move away and I'm alone. . . 

When no one cares what happens to me. . . 

I'm losing everyone that's ever meant anything to me. . . 

Self Destructive

I realize my demise is clearly tied
to the choices that are made today
Think twice and analize,
that path outside is leading you the wrong way
Leading me the wrong way

Why am I self destructive?
My concience calls me out
I am so self destructive.
My concience calls me out

Look in and begin too see the trend
This pattern of behaviour that kills
what is right in our lives
Destroying what is sacred
I need to take control,
I need to let it go

Why do I put you through this?
My mind is rendered useless